A few weeks ago I thought, "things are going so smoothly, everything is good, something has to be coming." Have you ever noticed that when things are going smoothly along in your life, something comes up and makes it crazy? I know for me when things are going fine, I usually wonder where God is? Sometimes, I'm afraid to ask that question, because when I do, that is when God starts to show me things. It is not at all that I don't want Him to, because that is how I learn, but sometimes it is just tough to go through. Just like in this situation - I did ask where He was, I knew in my heart He was preparing me for something, and last night - He rocked my world.

The study group I am in, we are going through "Life's Healing Choices". For the most part, it has been safe for me, until what we discussed last night. It asks for us to list our past sins and confess them to someone. Yes, I am serious when I say confess them to someone! When I started to think about the things in my past that I either thought I had dealt with, or just pushed away, it scared me to death. I am being honest when I say this completely freaked me out. Think about writing down all the things that haunt you, and having to tell someone else. I know this is a major part of healing, and it will free me from a lot of guilt and shame, but I honestly don't know if I can do it. This is a whole new concept for me, which also makes it difficult. I'm good with the forgiveness part. I know God forgives me, and I feel like I am getting better of not harboring the guilt, but telling someone...really?

The other part of this process is actually thinking of and writing them down. How do I know for sure I am being completely honest with it? As these thoughts were occurring to me, the verse listed below was read. The only way is to ask God to search your heart and show you. For Him to bring to mind all the things that hinder you in your relationship with Him. As I go through this process I'm sure I am going to learn a lot about myself and my relationship with God will only grow stronger. It will be tough and emotional, but doing this will draw me closer to Him, which is worth more than I will probably ever be able to comprehend.

Psalm 139: 23-24: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (24) See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.



Every so often I take the long way home so I can drive through the "downtown" part of where I live, because I love it. It is an older historic town and if I hit the timing just right, the sun will be setting as I'm driving through it. There are little shops and restaurants (and of course, a Starbucks) and there are usually people just strolling up and down the streets. In the middle, there is a round-about, and in the center of that is a huge statue with a man on top of it, and four cannons surrounding it. During festivals they have there, I have probably passed by that statue a hundred times, and honestly, I have no idea who it is. I'm sure he bares some significance in history, probably something to do with the Civil War, but I don't know. This got me thinking how I really don't know a whole lot about history. I remember in high school and college I didn't have captivating history teachers. I was more interested in the math/science route. I was one of those people that said "why am I learning this, it already happened..." Oh, how I wished I would have listened and studied it more.

What I did learn is history tends to repeat itself. I know in my life this is true, and when the same thing happens repetitively, you tend to expect it. It's hard not to when that is all that has happened in the past. When I look back on these situations, I have to ask myself - what about my behavior is causing this repetitive behavior out of other people? Then my next thought is - maybe it isn't me? I'll probably never have the answer to those questions, but what I do know is that God will take you through these situations to guide and teach you. Every relationship I have ever had, I have looked back and asked myself "what is God trying to show me here?" Every time it is an eye opening realization for me. So now, instead of over thinking it, I view it as a learning experience for me. I hope I never quit learning, and seeing what God is trying to teach me. If only God would have taught my history class, I would probably know who the statue of the man is. Since He didn't, I will relish the fact that He is giving me a history all my own.