Breaks

Today I am off work, which I desperately needed after my seventy hour work week last week. I just can't keep up like I used to :) I treated myself to a massage today, which is a treat that I often don't get. I would have one every week if I could. Maybe I should marry a massage therapist, then I could!

Some people have a preference of whether they have a man or a woman therapist. I prefer a man because woman are too rough. I think they try too hard because they aren't as strong as most men. Some may think this is odd, to pay a perfect stranger to massage you - but I think it is fantastic. It is all how they handle it and how you think of it. When I lived in Ohio, there was a male therapist that I went to all the time. He was the best, and I haven't quite found someone like him here yet. The male therapist I had today was good, but he talked a little too much for my taste. In the middle of the massage, he was trying to guess how tall I was, and it just went down hill from there.

I wanted something to be all about me and not to be needed. I am needed all the time, and I was a little burnt out with it. I feel so selfish saying that, but I needed peace and quiet and just to relax. We are all needed for something each and every day, but we all need breaks. I have realized, that is why people take vacations (which I need as well). Hard work always pays off in the end, but every once in a while, take a break. Refresh yourself and clear your mind. Even Jesus rested when He walked the Earth, and He wants the same for us.

It's worth it

I fear that I am a hopeless romantic. Is it bad that I watch romantic movies and want my own story? When I watch these movies and the man truly loves the woman and will do anything to get her, it is hard for me to not want someone to feel the same way about me. Ok, I am aware that they are all a script and life is truly not like that, but for some people, I believe it can be (please keep in mind it is Sunday :)

A long time friend of mine used to tell me that I had "walls" built up around my heart, and for the most part, he was right. I've gotten better about letting people in, but I still don't fully. Along with the love, there can also be hurt and pain that can come along with it. Each time I have let someone get over that wall, I have gotten hurt. When I love someone, I truly love them and give my whole heart to them. Love is a choice, but for me it also has a lot of deep emotion attached to it - if that person is lucky enough to get over that wall.

Everyone goes through hurt and pain eventually. Just like the saying goes, "you hurt the ones you love". Someone is going to hurt you and at the time you may think you won't get over it, but eventually you will. Love is worth the chance even if you are afraid of getting hurt again. Life is short and it's not worth throwing away a chance to be happy with someone who loves you in return.

Thankful

In 2005 I went on a mission trip to Mexico and it was an amazing trip. It was extremely hard work, but also extremely fulfilling. What I learned on that trip will be with me for the rest of my life. I hadn't thought about the verse that God showed me that week in a while, but it came up in my bible study the other day, and it brought back so many memories. The simplicity of the verse and the way it spoke to me that week was a valuable lesson that I needed in my life.
I Thessalonians 5: 16-18 says Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. What I needed from this verse that week was no matter what I was dealing with at the time, give thanks in that circumstance. It is so extremely hard to do, and I am still not good at it, but it is so important to know that God always has your best interest at heart. It may be hard, and you may not want to be in the situation you are in, but there is a reason. As you know if you have read my prior blogs, I am not always super excited that I'm single. What I am trying to keep in perspective is that I just need to be thankful for the circumstance I am in. God always has a plan and I just need to trust Him and what He has for me.

Communication

I believe that communication is one of the most important things with any type of relationship, and probably one of the hardest. One thing that makes it so difficult is getting across what you want to say without offending or hurting the other person. The other side of that, is saying what you need to and being prepared for the response. In my prior relationships, the communication style was always very different. In some relationships I was afraid to say what I felt because no matter what it was, it would not turn out well. In others, I had the freedom to say what I needed. This is how I learned what the best way was for me to communicate. I am a processor. If there is something on my mind, I have to really think about it and make sure I know exactly how I feel before I talk about it, or it all just comes out badly. I had to learn to communicate out of love, and definitely not when I was angry. This was hard for me to learn when I was already conditioned a different way. If I do have something on my mind, I have to really process it, and know exactly how I feel before I express it. If there is something wrong, I have to get to the "root" of the problem to make sure I am not just being over-dramatic. I had to change how I communicated, and it was tough. Now, I really try to think about what I say before I say it, or it can come out wrong. Am I always successful at this? Absolutly not...sometime my filter is off, and I cause all sort of problems :) As I always say, it's all in the delivery. If you delivery what you need to say in a respectful way, it should be received well.

Even now, there are several times lately where there have been things I wanted to say, but didn't. I didn't want to say what I felt for fear of hearing an answer I didn't want. Is that right to do, no, I dont' think it is, but it is reality. Sometimes saying what you feel is a scary thing, and it's hard to be vulnerable to express what you truly feel or think. The important thing to remember is life is short. John Mayer said it best when he sang "Say What You Need to Say". There is a lot of truth in that.

Regarding Sunday...

So, the last blog I wrote was not very positive. I was in such a funk that day and lost sight of the important things. I know we all can get that way, but I probably should have kept all that to myself. I am human though, and being a single woman is tough sometimes. You have an unspoken expectation on you that you should be married and have children by a certain age. All of my sisters are married with children, so I sometimes wonder why I'm not. All in all, my life is great. God has blessed me more than I deserve and I still get whiny about stuff. I am very lucky to have the life that I do, because I know it could be much worse.

Of course, when I go through things like this, God is always there to show me that He is still in control. My Bible studies this week have been about God's love never failing, He is the one that will fill your life, etc... This morning while I was getting ready for work, a song by John Waller came on that I hadn't heard in a long time. It's called "While I'm Waiting". This song just talks about serving and praising God while you are waiting for Him. This is absolutely an area of my life that I need work on. Patience is not easy, but needed. I'm sure I'll go through valleys in my life, but even when I'm there, God is too.

Sunday

As I've probably said before, Sundays are extremely hard for me. I'm not completely sure why, but they are just difficult. It is on Sundays that I am hit with the reality of how single I am. Normally, I don't mind being single. I don't mind being by myself, and I am pretty self-sufficent, but today was different. I do want to be married. Sometimes I feel so selfish feeling that way, and I feel I need to trust God's timing more, but it is really hard sometimes. I know God's timing is perfect and normally that brings comfort, but today was rough. I am sure other single women go through this too, and I need to quit whining, but I am just having one of those days...

Is it too much to ask to want someone that completely loves me for who I am? To have someone that knows me so well, that he can complete my sentences? Someone that has such a love for me that nothing will keep them away from me? I don't think it is...even though it sounds very cheesy. It could be all the "chick flick" movies I've watched today, but it is still something that I pray happens one day for me. Marriage is a scary thing with the high divorce rate, and many marriages are unhappy. Does that mean that if I do get married, it will be always happy? No. Will I settle for someone that I don't truly love? No. God will have to come first, and I am not guaranteed that whomever I do marry will stay forever. But is it worth it to try? Yes, if it is God's will. You can't choose your family, but you do choose who you love. "Love is many things, it's varied, but one thing is not and can never be, is unsure" (yes, that was from one of my girly movies today...) You can choose to love someone, and can choose not to. It has to be for better or for worse, because that comes with every relationship.

It's almost like a puzzle - I've tried to fit with a few pieces, and some of them fit in some ways, but not every way. I'm still looking for my piece of the puzzle that fits. The hard part in all this is that I always expect each relationship I have to end the same way. I always expect him to leave, for me to not be worth it for him. But one day, I know through God's blessing my piece of my puzzle will find me and the puzzle will be complete. Until then, I guess I get to go through little funks like this and know that tomorrow is a new day.

Fuel

I'm going to admit something, that my dad would be extremely disappointed in. I hate to fill up my car with gas. You may be asking yourself, why would dad be disappointed? Well, here is an example. I live about thirty minutes from my office, and it's roughly 22 miles. Yesterday morning, while I was on my way to work, my low gas light came on. I have an SUV, so when this happens, I don't have long before the gas is completely gone. So, when I was leaving work last night (late, of course) I had forgotten that it had come on that morning. I didn't want to stop downtown where I work, so I figured I could at least make it half way home before I had to get it. I began to get a little nervous when I was close to the exit where I wanted to stop and the car began to putter just a little. I did make it, but this happens often. I just don't like to stop and do it. I know it gets you where you need to be, but the cost and time it takes just annoys me a little.

While I was pumping the gas I was asking myself why I do that almost every time? It isn't safe or smart. I was going through all the scenarios in my head of what could happen, and how my dad would be mad...and this got me thinking about my walk with God. How many times do I get so busy that I am running on empty? If God is the gasoline that makes you go, filling up every day will make everything run smoothly. I admit, I struggle with having daily quiet time. Some days I'm in such a hurry, it just doesn't happen. Those are the days that end up making me feel like I've been wrecked. Why? Because I'm trying to do it all on my own. We have to realize that drawing closer to God every day will only make us stronger and things will run smoother, even when things get tough.