Have you ever had one of those moments where your heart sinks to your stomach?  Where, something happens unexpectedly that triggers that sick feeling?  For instance, replying to an email and giving information out, when you meant to send it to someone else?  Leaving your wallet at a store?  Losing your cell phone?  Seeing someone you once cared about with someone else?  Any of these can cause that sick feeling that makes you so unsettled you don't know what to do.  Something similar happened to me, and it threw me more than I expected.  After my prior serious relationship, you would think I would be used to it, but I'm not. I am the type of person that does not like to be surprised - ok, I like to be surprised with trips, flowers, and jewelry, but I don't like to be surprised with negative things.  I like to be prepared and know what's coming, but today, I wasn't. 

I had that overwhelming sick feeling that hits you so deeply, you almost can't breathe. It was so unexpected and my first responce was to run. Just get out and get away from it. Unfortunatly, that was not really an option.  After the intial flight response, when my brain starts to process what is happeneing, I try to process the why. Then I get so mad at myself, that I even let something trivial effect me like that.  I was being rushed with emotion and honestly did not know what to do.   

So what I decided to do was leave the situation for a moment, and when I did, God put someone in my path that I needed.  My sweet friend was there, and she prayed for me.  She put God back as the focus, and that is where my thoughts should have been. What happened next can only be explained by the power of God. I was filled with an internal peace where you just know God is with you.  He is holding you up and comforting you. I prayed constantly that God would remain my focus and during that time, He was the only thing that was giving me a constant peace.  He has been through everything that we go through, and whatever situation we face. He is the only one that will never let us down. 

What it really made me see is that we are all human.  We have human tendencies that are natural, and how God created us, so what I was feeling was natural. The hard part when we face situations like this is surrendering those thoughts and feelings to God. But, when you do, everything is put in perspective and there is such a peace that you know God will get you through it.   

Now that I look back on it, it all seems so silly, but the human nature is a powerful thing.
Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus 


A little over a month ago I went on vacation to Temecula, CA.  It's a little over an hour from San Diego, and it was absolutely gorgeous.  We took a tour of several vineyards, and it was interesting to see how much care and thought goes into each row of grapes. There are different grapes all through the vineyard that each make a different type of wine.  It was very interesting to learn how it was all made, and takes a tremendous amount of hard work.  It takes a long time for the grapes to be made into what they are intended to be. What I noticed, was at the end of each row of grapes there is a rose bush.  The rose bush is planted as an early detection of any disease or pests that could harm the grapevine. If they see the rose bush starting to die, or grow mildew, they know it is time to protect the grapevines.

This all got me thinking about how God works in our lives.  He takes his time to develop us into what He wants us to be. This 'refining' does not happen overnight.  We don't wake up one morning and think, well, today is the day I'm going to be all God wants me to be!  It takes years of learning God's word, and praying.  God taks us through things that will equip us with what He wants us to have, to fulfil His will  for our lives. Sometimes the things that happen to us are not easy.  We don't always don't understand the why of things, but I know behind every thing that happens, there is a God who is refining me into the woman He needs me to be, to further His kingdom.



It is never an easy task to let go of someone you love. It comes with a lot of self reflection and heartache. You see, that's the hard part of being single, when relationships come to an end. Trying to be nice, but still get the closure we need as women. Trying to be strong even when you want to break down and ask why? Not understanding why this is happening...again. It's not easy for me to let someone get close to me, but this time I did. I actually allowed someone in, and gave them my heart, only to experience a broken heart like I have so many times before.

But...as I was driving home, I was very thankful for the long drive. I had the windows down, and the stars were bright. It gave me some time to reflect on a message I heard last night. Priscilla Shirer was talking on how to overcome "stones". One of her points was to see the good stuff in the bad stuff, and that's what I did. When God takes us through trials, that is the time we lean on Him the most. Look at your hurtful situation and seeing what God is trying to teach you. Not having a "woe is me" attitude, but an attitude of praise for the trial you are in. Even though I was sad, I turned up the radio and praised God. I thanked Him for this because I know He is going to teach me more about myself, and make me into the godly woman He wants me to be. This is not an easy task, but going to the Lord with how I was feeling and thanking Him for it, gave me a peace to know that He is in control. Everything that has happened up to this point has been because He wanted it to. As I was praying and worshipping, one of my favorite artist came on the radio, Jeremy Camp, singing There Will Be A Day. This is just one of the many ways God will speak to you. This song says it all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=le-TG4sRRiQ

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face.

God always has a plan, we just need to continually seek him through the storms of life and praise Him through everything.


The List

What started out as my "Year of Fun", turned into a year of overcoming a great obstacle in my life. Little did I know this was going to happen, but God had other plans for me (as usual...) It all started early this year in my Community Group. Our study was on Life's Healing Choices and it started with forgiveness. In the last several years, I have learned a lot about forgiveness and have forgiven those that I was supposed to. When we started discussing this, I thought "ok, I'm good...I've got forgiveness down".

Then Session Four and James 5:16 came.

James 5:16 says - Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. The study said that we needed to list our sins and confess them to someone... OH. MY. WORD. I immediately said no. Literally, I told the group that there was no way I was one, writing them on paper, and two, telling another person??? No way. There were too many hurts, shame, and failures to let someone know the intimate details of the hurt that I've held onto for so long. We continued on and at the end of the night one of the girls said that if I did the list, and told someone, it would start the healing process. As I processed this, I wondered what in the world did I need healed from? I had forgiven everyone that had hurt me, so why would I have to do this? Over the course of the next few months, I would look at the bible study book and list on my night stand, and God began to work in my heart that I needed to write the list.

I knew that God wanted me to do this, but my biggest fear in it was finding a person that I could tell all this to, and they would not judge me. When I started thinking about it, the first person God laid on my heart was Beth Clark. So, I started praying about the list in March. Beth was coming back to town and while she was here we were going to try to get together for coffee. This was a perfect opportunity for me to tell her my "list". I was still struggling with even starting it, but continued praying about it. Beth and I ended up not meeting while she was here...WHEW! I really did not want to write my list...

About three weeks ago I was probably as down as I have been in a long time. I was struggling with so much and hurting. I wasn't sleeping at all and waking up every night. One day I came home from work, sat in my kitchen and wrote my list. Putting it on paper and admitting things that happened years ago that caused pain was hard, but I did it. God's timing is perfect and He knew Beth would be coming back into town the following week. Tonda Solomon invited me over for dinner, because she was also having over the Clark's, but there was confusion on the date, so it ended up being just me. Again, God's timing is perfect. Tonda and I talked about so much and it really resolved a few things in my heart that I was struggling with. She will probably never know the depth of what our conversation meant to me, but Tonda has an amazing gift of saying exactly what God wants her to, and it is exactly what I needed. So, she invited me back the following Thursday, when the Clark's would be there.

Beth and I connected for coffee Thursday morning of the day we were all having dinner. She did not know what I was about to purge on her, but I explained the story and that I had my list. Beth, being the incredible godly woman she is, listened as I told her everything. Her response when I was fininshed was an array of bible verses. She quoted scripture to help me see that God's redemption is what I needed, and I had to forgive myself. Something I don't think I have ever done, or known how to do, is forgive myself. After dinner that night, Tonda, Beth and I went out to the porch. We had great conversation and it was amazing to spend time with two amazing women. They both quoted scripture and encouraged me more than they will ever know. At the end of the night, Tonda prayed with me and I burned my list. Yes, I literally burned my list.

All the hurt, anger, shame that I had been holding on to all these years was gone. It was so hard to have to drudge up the pain again, confess it and know I had to let go of it. This whole time I would hold onto those things because that is who I told myself I was, and those were the lies that satan would constantly tell me. It was always that I didn't matter, that I wasn't worth it, look at what I did, why would God ever use me? I held onto these things because that is what made me, me. But it's not. What makes me who I am is God. God should be my only focus, the center of my world, every thought should be taken captive by Him. It is going to be a long process to break the old habits and way of thinking, but I know with God I can overcome anything. The healing and forgiving process starts today.



I think I now know how Noah felt... It has been raining non-stop for two days. He had it a lot worse than we did of course, but I don't know how he did it - especially with all those animals. But, as God always does, He provides. There are a lot of people suffering in our area right now, and my heart goes out to them. Prayers, prayers, and prayers are needed right now. As we were driving around Franklin today looking at all the areas that were affected, it was awful. There are so many people affected and devestated. You never know how fast life is going to change. Friday, dry and sunny and Saturday flooding. It's just a reminder of how short life is and to make sure you tell the ones you love, that you love them.



It is funny to me how Satan can just attack you. As much as I try to keep God as the focus of every part of my day, sometimes it just hits me and I have no control over it. Lately, he has been playing on my insecurities. When this happens, and I feel that way, I always try to stop, pray and refocus on who created me...insecurities and all. Today especially I am just struggling so much with an overwhelming insecure feeling. I've stopped and prayed, read bible verses, and nothing is seeming to over come it. I wonder, does anyone else ever feel this way? It is the most frustrating thing because I have so much to be thankful for.

God created me as an emotional person and it is something that I have to handle when it comes up and try to see what God is trying to teach me from it. So far, it is all pointing me back to God is Love. It's not something he does, but it's who He is. He made me this way, and is going to love me with it. It is comforting to know that no matter what I say, or how I'm feeling, God will love me through it all. I keep going back to Ephesians 3, and I am starting to feel better all ready.

Ephesians 3: 14-19: (14)For this reason I kneel before the Father, (15)from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. (16)I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, (17)so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, (18)may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, (19)and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

**As an update - I prayed that God would put people in my life that day to just encourage me, and I had two friends I hadn't talked to in months call me out of the blue, and one of my Reps, say incredible encouraging things to me. God will never fail us and gives us exactly what we need when we need it.



A few weeks ago I thought, "things are going so smoothly, everything is good, something has to be coming." Have you ever noticed that when things are going smoothly along in your life, something comes up and makes it crazy? I know for me when things are going fine, I usually wonder where God is? Sometimes, I'm afraid to ask that question, because when I do, that is when God starts to show me things. It is not at all that I don't want Him to, because that is how I learn, but sometimes it is just tough to go through. Just like in this situation - I did ask where He was, I knew in my heart He was preparing me for something, and last night - He rocked my world.

The study group I am in, we are going through "Life's Healing Choices". For the most part, it has been safe for me, until what we discussed last night. It asks for us to list our past sins and confess them to someone. Yes, I am serious when I say confess them to someone! When I started to think about the things in my past that I either thought I had dealt with, or just pushed away, it scared me to death. I am being honest when I say this completely freaked me out. Think about writing down all the things that haunt you, and having to tell someone else. I know this is a major part of healing, and it will free me from a lot of guilt and shame, but I honestly don't know if I can do it. This is a whole new concept for me, which also makes it difficult. I'm good with the forgiveness part. I know God forgives me, and I feel like I am getting better of not harboring the guilt, but telling someone...really?

The other part of this process is actually thinking of and writing them down. How do I know for sure I am being completely honest with it? As these thoughts were occurring to me, the verse listed below was read. The only way is to ask God to search your heart and show you. For Him to bring to mind all the things that hinder you in your relationship with Him. As I go through this process I'm sure I am going to learn a lot about myself and my relationship with God will only grow stronger. It will be tough and emotional, but doing this will draw me closer to Him, which is worth more than I will probably ever be able to comprehend.

Psalm 139: 23-24: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (24) See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.



Every so often I take the long way home so I can drive through the "downtown" part of where I live, because I love it. It is an older historic town and if I hit the timing just right, the sun will be setting as I'm driving through it. There are little shops and restaurants (and of course, a Starbucks) and there are usually people just strolling up and down the streets. In the middle, there is a round-about, and in the center of that is a huge statue with a man on top of it, and four cannons surrounding it. During festivals they have there, I have probably passed by that statue a hundred times, and honestly, I have no idea who it is. I'm sure he bares some significance in history, probably something to do with the Civil War, but I don't know. This got me thinking how I really don't know a whole lot about history. I remember in high school and college I didn't have captivating history teachers. I was more interested in the math/science route. I was one of those people that said "why am I learning this, it already happened..." Oh, how I wished I would have listened and studied it more.

What I did learn is history tends to repeat itself. I know in my life this is true, and when the same thing happens repetitively, you tend to expect it. It's hard not to when that is all that has happened in the past. When I look back on these situations, I have to ask myself - what about my behavior is causing this repetitive behavior out of other people? Then my next thought is - maybe it isn't me? I'll probably never have the answer to those questions, but what I do know is that God will take you through these situations to guide and teach you. Every relationship I have ever had, I have looked back and asked myself "what is God trying to show me here?" Every time it is an eye opening realization for me. So now, instead of over thinking it, I view it as a learning experience for me. I hope I never quit learning, and seeing what God is trying to teach me. If only God would have taught my history class, I would probably know who the statue of the man is. Since He didn't, I will relish the fact that He is giving me a history all my own.


It amazes me how certain situations, actions or things you see make your heart feel a certain way. Like the way you hear an old song and it makes you think of your first love. Or, if you go to a certain place and it makes you think of an old memory about your past and all the emotions come flooding back, like it was yesterday. A word, a memory, a smell, and even a light switch can bring back emotion and memories that you may have thought were gone.

The heart is a complex thing. I have yet to figure out how it works, and as far as I know there hasn't been anyone else that has. If there was, they would be a millionaire! There is a past event in my life that I thought was resolved a very long time ago. Then, I saw something that evoked so much emotion in me, I wondered if I had resolved it at all? This got me thinking, how do we know if we are actually over something? What is the appropriate amount of time or the process to put your past behind you? How do you know if you have dealt with something, or just pushed it so far down so you don't have to feel the pain?

There is no right or wrong answer to this. All I know is I have to give things to God. In church this morning, the pastor was talking about pride getting in the way, and thinking we could handle things on our own. We can't. I believe that is why God takes you through hard times, so you have to rely on Him. You have nothing else to do but give it all to Him. Life is hard, especially to think we can do this all on our own. My past situation was tough and the only one that can resolve it is God. What are you dealing with that you are trying to take all the burden on yourself? Take your burden and leave it at His feet, and He will take the burden on Himself.