6.11.2010

The List

What started out as my "Year of Fun", turned into a year of overcoming a great obstacle in my life. Little did I know this was going to happen, but God had other plans for me (as usual...) It all started early this year in my Community Group. Our study was on Life's Healing Choices and it started with forgiveness. In the last several years, I have learned a lot about forgiveness and have forgiven those that I was supposed to. When we started discussing this, I thought "ok, I'm good...I've got forgiveness down".

Then Session Four and James 5:16 came.

James 5:16 says - Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. The study said that we needed to list our sins and confess them to someone... OH. MY. WORD. I immediately said no. Literally, I told the group that there was no way I was one, writing them on paper, and two, telling another person??? No way. There were too many hurts, shame, and failures to let someone know the intimate details of the hurt that I've held onto for so long. We continued on and at the end of the night one of the girls said that if I did the list, and told someone, it would start the healing process. As I processed this, I wondered what in the world did I need healed from? I had forgiven everyone that had hurt me, so why would I have to do this? Over the course of the next few months, I would look at the bible study book and list on my night stand, and God began to work in my heart that I needed to write the list.

I knew that God wanted me to do this, but my biggest fear in it was finding a person that I could tell all this to, and they would not judge me. When I started thinking about it, the first person God laid on my heart was Beth Clark. So, I started praying about the list in March. Beth was coming back to town and while she was here we were going to try to get together for coffee. This was a perfect opportunity for me to tell her my "list". I was still struggling with even starting it, but continued praying about it. Beth and I ended up not meeting while she was here...WHEW! I really did not want to write my list...

About three weeks ago I was probably as down as I have been in a long time. I was struggling with so much and hurting. I wasn't sleeping at all and waking up every night. One day I came home from work, sat in my kitchen and wrote my list. Putting it on paper and admitting things that happened years ago that caused pain was hard, but I did it. God's timing is perfect and He knew Beth would be coming back into town the following week. Tonda Solomon invited me over for dinner, because she was also having over the Clark's, but there was confusion on the date, so it ended up being just me. Again, God's timing is perfect. Tonda and I talked about so much and it really resolved a few things in my heart that I was struggling with. She will probably never know the depth of what our conversation meant to me, but Tonda has an amazing gift of saying exactly what God wants her to, and it is exactly what I needed. So, she invited me back the following Thursday, when the Clark's would be there.

Beth and I connected for coffee Thursday morning of the day we were all having dinner. She did not know what I was about to purge on her, but I explained the story and that I had my list. Beth, being the incredible godly woman she is, listened as I told her everything. Her response when I was fininshed was an array of bible verses. She quoted scripture to help me see that God's redemption is what I needed, and I had to forgive myself. Something I don't think I have ever done, or known how to do, is forgive myself. After dinner that night, Tonda, Beth and I went out to the porch. We had great conversation and it was amazing to spend time with two amazing women. They both quoted scripture and encouraged me more than they will ever know. At the end of the night, Tonda prayed with me and I burned my list. Yes, I literally burned my list.

All the hurt, anger, shame that I had been holding on to all these years was gone. It was so hard to have to drudge up the pain again, confess it and know I had to let go of it. This whole time I would hold onto those things because that is who I told myself I was, and those were the lies that satan would constantly tell me. It was always that I didn't matter, that I wasn't worth it, look at what I did, why would God ever use me? I held onto these things because that is what made me, me. But it's not. What makes me who I am is God. God should be my only focus, the center of my world, every thought should be taken captive by Him. It is going to be a long process to break the old habits and way of thinking, but I know with God I can overcome anything. The healing and forgiving process starts today.

3 comments:

Beth Clark said...

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! I love you dearly and can't wait to see the beauty that comes from the scattered ashes! Love you!!!!

Anonymous said...

I've always heard that if you scatter ashes on a plant it helps it grow. I don't care WHERE you release them, just let them go and receive what God has next. You are SO much more than words on a page, because you are my sister in Christ. He makes everything glorious!!! (Sounds like a song I know...)

Heather said...

so, so, so proud of you lisa! "He heals all my disease...I believe Your my healer...."