Selfish

Life isn't about you. I sit here in an air conditioned home, thinking about all the things I need to accomplish today, when there are people suffering in the world, and I'm sitting here thinking about my stuff.  When Jesus walked the Earth, do you think He went through the day thinking about what fun He and the apostles were going to have that day?  No, I'm sure that is not where His thoughts were.  I need to do more.  More to help those less fortunate than me, more to show God's love.  How?  I have no idea. Life is busy, and I'm trying to get ahead enough to where I can have more time to do those things. I am trying to trust God everyday that this is where He wants me, and where I need to be until He shows me what's next. It's not easy. I knew moving back here would be hard in some ways, and those have proven true.  I love being back near family and close friends, but there are other things that make this path rough. What is really boils down to is, am I trusting enough? Where is my faith right now? Do I have the faith and trust to take that step down the path that I have no idea where it leads? It is a scary thing to think ahead to what that may look like, but I know that with God in the center, it will be perfect. We all are human and have selfish tendencies, but try to do something for someone else today. Think about others and how your actions could make a difference. Philippians 2:2-4:  (2)then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. (3) Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, (4) not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Happy

If you stop and think about your life...are you happy?  When you stop and take a good look at what you are doing in your life, and just the stuff that goes on around you, can you say that you are truly happy? What is being happy anyway?  After my "list" and the events that occurred before and after that, I have had a lot of time to reflect on this very question.

First, I had to ask myself, what is being happy anyway?  Is it just a feeling that happens when everything is going smoothly?  When I am not being effected in a negative way?  Sure, that is usually the case, you feel happy when nothing is bringing you down!  But, how can you be happy when things are not going well?  How do you keep that loving feeling when you feel like the world is falling down around you?

My happiness comes from knowing that when the world fails me, God does not.  The most challenging thing to do is change your way of thinking.  Our human nature is to sometimes lean towards the negative way of thinking.  In my current situation, I spend a lot of time in the car, which leaves me a lot of time to think.  Often, those negative thoughts creep in my mind, and when they do, I try to immediately have a conversation with God about it.  I literally tell Him what I was thinking (yes, I know he already knows) and give whatever that thought is, to Him. When I do that, it clears my mind and puts new perspective on whatever it was that I was thinking.  2 Corinthians 10:5 - We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  Take every thought to God and begin to think more postive.  Your outlook on life will change. 

Peace

Have you ever had one of those moments where your heart sinks to your stomach?  Where, something happens unexpectedly that triggers that sick feeling?  For instance, replying to an email and giving information out, when you meant to send it to someone else?  Leaving your wallet at a store?  Losing your cell phone?  Seeing someone you once cared about with someone else?  Any of these can cause that sick feeling that makes you so unsettled you don't know what to do.  Something similar happened to me, and it threw me more than I expected.  After my prior serious relationship, you would think I would be used to it, but I'm not. I am the type of person that does not like to be surprised - ok, I like to be surprised with trips, flowers, and jewelry, but I don't like to be surprised with negative things.  I like to be prepared and know what's coming, but today, I wasn't. 

I had that overwhelming sick feeling that hits you so deeply, you almost can't breathe. It was so unexpected and my first responce was to run. Just get out and get away from it. Unfortunatly, that was not really an option.  After the intial flight response, when my brain starts to process what is happeneing, I try to process the why. Then I get so mad at myself, that I even let something trivial effect me like that.  I was being rushed with emotion and honestly did not know what to do.   

So what I decided to do was leave the situation for a moment, and when I did, God put someone in my path that I needed.  My sweet friend was there, and she prayed for me.  She put God back as the focus, and that is where my thoughts should have been. What happened next can only be explained by the power of God. I was filled with an internal peace where you just know God is with you.  He is holding you up and comforting you. I prayed constantly that God would remain my focus and during that time, He was the only thing that was giving me a constant peace.  He has been through everything that we go through, and whatever situation we face. He is the only one that will never let us down. 

What it really made me see is that we are all human.  We have human tendencies that are natural, and how God created us, so what I was feeling was natural. The hard part when we face situations like this is surrendering those thoughts and feelings to God. But, when you do, everything is put in perspective and there is such a peace that you know God will get you through it.   

Now that I look back on it, it all seems so silly, but the human nature is a powerful thing.
Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus 

Roses

A little over a month ago I went on vacation to Temecula, CA.  It's a little over an hour from San Diego, and it was absolutely gorgeous.  We took a tour of several vineyards, and it was interesting to see how much care and thought goes into each row of grapes. There are different grapes all through the vineyard that each make a different type of wine.  It was very interesting to learn how it was all made, and takes a tremendous amount of hard work.  It takes a long time for the grapes to be made into what they are intended to be. What I noticed, was at the end of each row of grapes there is a rose bush.  The rose bush is planted as an early detection of any disease or pests that could harm the grapevine. If they see the rose bush starting to die, or grow mildew, they know it is time to protect the grapevines.

This all got me thinking about how God works in our lives.  He takes his time to develop us into what He wants us to be. This 'refining' does not happen overnight.  We don't wake up one morning and think, well, today is the day I'm going to be all God wants me to be!  It takes years of learning God's word, and praying.  God taks us through things that will equip us with what He wants us to have, to fulfil His will  for our lives. Sometimes the things that happen to us are not easy.  We don't always don't understand the why of things, but I know behind every thing that happens, there is a God who is refining me into the woman He needs me to be, to further His kingdom.

Storms

It is never an easy task to let go of someone you love. It comes with a lot of self reflection and heartache. You see, that's the hard part of being single, when relationships come to an end. Trying to be nice, but still get the closure we need as women. Trying to be strong even when you want to break down and ask why? Not understanding why this is happening...again. It's not easy for me to let someone get close to me, but this time I did. I actually allowed someone in, and gave them my heart, only to experience a broken heart like I have so many times before.

But...as I was driving home, I was very thankful for the long drive. I had the windows down, and the stars were bright. It gave me some time to reflect on a message I heard last night. Priscilla Shirer was talking on how to overcome "stones". One of her points was to see the good stuff in the bad stuff, and that's what I did. When God takes us through trials, that is the time we lean on Him the most. Look at your hurtful situation and seeing what God is trying to teach you. Not having a "woe is me" attitude, but an attitude of praise for the trial you are in. Even though I was sad, I turned up the radio and praised God. I thanked Him for this because I know He is going to teach me more about myself, and make me into the godly woman He wants me to be. This is not an easy task, but going to the Lord with how I was feeling and thanking Him for it, gave me a peace to know that He is in control. Everything that has happened up to this point has been because He wanted it to. As I was praying and worshipping, one of my favorite artist came on the radio, Jeremy Camp, singing There Will Be A Day. This is just one of the many ways God will speak to you. This song says it all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=le-TG4sRRiQ

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face.

God always has a plan, we just need to continually seek him through the storms of life and praise Him through everything.

The List

What started out as my "Year of Fun", turned into a year of overcoming a great obstacle in my life. Little did I know this was going to happen, but God had other plans for me (as usual...) It all started early this year in my Community Group. Our study was on Life's Healing Choices and it started with forgiveness. In the last several years, I have learned a lot about forgiveness and have forgiven those that I was supposed to. When we started discussing this, I thought "ok, I'm good...I've got forgiveness down".

Then Session Four and James 5:16 came.

James 5:16 says - Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. The study said that we needed to list our sins and confess them to someone... OH. MY. WORD. I immediately said no. Literally, I told the group that there was no way I was one, writing them on paper, and two, telling another person??? No way. There were too many hurts, shame, and failures to let someone know the intimate details of the hurt that I've held onto for so long. We continued on and at the end of the night one of the girls said that if I did the list, and told someone, it would start the healing process. As I processed this, I wondered what in the world did I need healed from? I had forgiven everyone that had hurt me, so why would I have to do this? Over the course of the next few months, I would look at the bible study book and list on my night stand, and God began to work in my heart that I needed to write the list.

I knew that God wanted me to do this, but my biggest fear in it was finding a person that I could tell all this to, and they would not judge me. When I started thinking about it, the first person God laid on my heart was Beth Clark. So, I started praying about the list in March. Beth was coming back to town and while she was here we were going to try to get together for coffee. This was a perfect opportunity for me to tell her my "list". I was still struggling with even starting it, but continued praying about it. Beth and I ended up not meeting while she was here...WHEW! I really did not want to write my list...

About three weeks ago I was probably as down as I have been in a long time. I was struggling with so much and hurting. I wasn't sleeping at all and waking up every night. One day I came home from work, sat in my kitchen and wrote my list. Putting it on paper and admitting things that happened years ago that caused pain was hard, but I did it. God's timing is perfect and He knew Beth would be coming back into town the following week. Tonda Solomon invited me over for dinner, because she was also having over the Clark's, but there was confusion on the date, so it ended up being just me. Again, God's timing is perfect. Tonda and I talked about so much and it really resolved a few things in my heart that I was struggling with. She will probably never know the depth of what our conversation meant to me, but Tonda has an amazing gift of saying exactly what God wants her to, and it is exactly what I needed. So, she invited me back the following Thursday, when the Clark's would be there.

Beth and I connected for coffee Thursday morning of the day we were all having dinner. She did not know what I was about to purge on her, but I explained the story and that I had my list. Beth, being the incredible godly woman she is, listened as I told her everything. Her response when I was fininshed was an array of bible verses. She quoted scripture to help me see that God's redemption is what I needed, and I had to forgive myself. Something I don't think I have ever done, or known how to do, is forgive myself. After dinner that night, Tonda, Beth and I went out to the porch. We had great conversation and it was amazing to spend time with two amazing women. They both quoted scripture and encouraged me more than they will ever know. At the end of the night, Tonda prayed with me and I burned my list. Yes, I literally burned my list.

All the hurt, anger, shame that I had been holding on to all these years was gone. It was so hard to have to drudge up the pain again, confess it and know I had to let go of it. This whole time I would hold onto those things because that is who I told myself I was, and those were the lies that satan would constantly tell me. It was always that I didn't matter, that I wasn't worth it, look at what I did, why would God ever use me? I held onto these things because that is what made me, me. But it's not. What makes me who I am is God. God should be my only focus, the center of my world, every thought should be taken captive by Him. It is going to be a long process to break the old habits and way of thinking, but I know with God I can overcome anything. The healing and forgiving process starts today.

Flood

I think I now know how Noah felt... It has been raining non-stop for two days. He had it a lot worse than we did of course, but I don't know how he did it - especially with all those animals. But, as God always does, He provides. There are a lot of people suffering in our area right now, and my heart goes out to them. Prayers, prayers, and prayers are needed right now. As we were driving around Franklin today looking at all the areas that were affected, it was awful. There are so many people affected and devestated. You never know how fast life is going to change. Friday, dry and sunny and Saturday flooding. It's just a reminder of how short life is and to make sure you tell the ones you love, that you love them.