Communication

I believe that communication is one of the most important things with any type of relationship, and probably one of the hardest. One thing that makes it so difficult is getting across what you want to say without offending or hurting the other person. The other side of that, is saying what you need to and being prepared for the response. In my prior relationships, the communication style was always very different. In some relationships I was afraid to say what I felt because no matter what it was, it would not turn out well. In others, I had the freedom to say what I needed. This is how I learned what the best way was for me to communicate. I am a processor. If there is something on my mind, I have to really think about it and make sure I know exactly how I feel before I talk about it, or it all just comes out badly. I had to learn to communicate out of love, and definitely not when I was angry. This was hard for me to learn when I was already conditioned a different way. If I do have something on my mind, I have to really process it, and know exactly how I feel before I express it. If there is something wrong, I have to get to the "root" of the problem to make sure I am not just being over-dramatic. I had to change how I communicated, and it was tough. Now, I really try to think about what I say before I say it, or it can come out wrong. Am I always successful at this? Absolutly not...sometime my filter is off, and I cause all sort of problems :) As I always say, it's all in the delivery. If you delivery what you need to say in a respectful way, it should be received well.

Even now, there are several times lately where there have been things I wanted to say, but didn't. I didn't want to say what I felt for fear of hearing an answer I didn't want. Is that right to do, no, I dont' think it is, but it is reality. Sometimes saying what you feel is a scary thing, and it's hard to be vulnerable to express what you truly feel or think. The important thing to remember is life is short. John Mayer said it best when he sang "Say What You Need to Say". There is a lot of truth in that.

Regarding Sunday...

So, the last blog I wrote was not very positive. I was in such a funk that day and lost sight of the important things. I know we all can get that way, but I probably should have kept all that to myself. I am human though, and being a single woman is tough sometimes. You have an unspoken expectation on you that you should be married and have children by a certain age. All of my sisters are married with children, so I sometimes wonder why I'm not. All in all, my life is great. God has blessed me more than I deserve and I still get whiny about stuff. I am very lucky to have the life that I do, because I know it could be much worse.

Of course, when I go through things like this, God is always there to show me that He is still in control. My Bible studies this week have been about God's love never failing, He is the one that will fill your life, etc... This morning while I was getting ready for work, a song by John Waller came on that I hadn't heard in a long time. It's called "While I'm Waiting". This song just talks about serving and praising God while you are waiting for Him. This is absolutely an area of my life that I need work on. Patience is not easy, but needed. I'm sure I'll go through valleys in my life, but even when I'm there, God is too.

Sunday

As I've probably said before, Sundays are extremely hard for me. I'm not completely sure why, but they are just difficult. It is on Sundays that I am hit with the reality of how single I am. Normally, I don't mind being single. I don't mind being by myself, and I am pretty self-sufficent, but today was different. I do want to be married. Sometimes I feel so selfish feeling that way, and I feel I need to trust God's timing more, but it is really hard sometimes. I know God's timing is perfect and normally that brings comfort, but today was rough. I am sure other single women go through this too, and I need to quit whining, but I am just having one of those days...

Is it too much to ask to want someone that completely loves me for who I am? To have someone that knows me so well, that he can complete my sentences? Someone that has such a love for me that nothing will keep them away from me? I don't think it is...even though it sounds very cheesy. It could be all the "chick flick" movies I've watched today, but it is still something that I pray happens one day for me. Marriage is a scary thing with the high divorce rate, and many marriages are unhappy. Does that mean that if I do get married, it will be always happy? No. Will I settle for someone that I don't truly love? No. God will have to come first, and I am not guaranteed that whomever I do marry will stay forever. But is it worth it to try? Yes, if it is God's will. You can't choose your family, but you do choose who you love. "Love is many things, it's varied, but one thing is not and can never be, is unsure" (yes, that was from one of my girly movies today...) You can choose to love someone, and can choose not to. It has to be for better or for worse, because that comes with every relationship.

It's almost like a puzzle - I've tried to fit with a few pieces, and some of them fit in some ways, but not every way. I'm still looking for my piece of the puzzle that fits. The hard part in all this is that I always expect each relationship I have to end the same way. I always expect him to leave, for me to not be worth it for him. But one day, I know through God's blessing my piece of my puzzle will find me and the puzzle will be complete. Until then, I guess I get to go through little funks like this and know that tomorrow is a new day.

Fuel

I'm going to admit something, that my dad would be extremely disappointed in. I hate to fill up my car with gas. You may be asking yourself, why would dad be disappointed? Well, here is an example. I live about thirty minutes from my office, and it's roughly 22 miles. Yesterday morning, while I was on my way to work, my low gas light came on. I have an SUV, so when this happens, I don't have long before the gas is completely gone. So, when I was leaving work last night (late, of course) I had forgotten that it had come on that morning. I didn't want to stop downtown where I work, so I figured I could at least make it half way home before I had to get it. I began to get a little nervous when I was close to the exit where I wanted to stop and the car began to putter just a little. I did make it, but this happens often. I just don't like to stop and do it. I know it gets you where you need to be, but the cost and time it takes just annoys me a little.

While I was pumping the gas I was asking myself why I do that almost every time? It isn't safe or smart. I was going through all the scenarios in my head of what could happen, and how my dad would be mad...and this got me thinking about my walk with God. How many times do I get so busy that I am running on empty? If God is the gasoline that makes you go, filling up every day will make everything run smoothly. I admit, I struggle with having daily quiet time. Some days I'm in such a hurry, it just doesn't happen. Those are the days that end up making me feel like I've been wrecked. Why? Because I'm trying to do it all on my own. We have to realize that drawing closer to God every day will only make us stronger and things will run smoother, even when things get tough.

My niece and nephews are here staying with me again this week, and they are hysterical. Of course they have their little spats here and there, but overall, they are great. It makes me realize how hard being a parent would be. I'm constantly looking to see where they are and worrying if they are having a good time. I know it is different because I am just their aunt, but I still think that way.

It also makes me see why parents lie. They tell their kids things to make things go a little smoother. It's starts so innocently. Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy, you know, the normal. Then it turns into telling your 5 year old daughter that her dad burned her blanky, that she said she didn't need anymore because she was going into kindgergarten and was a "big girl" now, only to find out when she was an adult that her dad didn't burn it, but her mother had kept it all these years and lied about it.

As much as I love them, I can't imagine how much God loves us. It is hard to think sometimes, that God loves us above anything else, but He does. It's a hard concept to grasp when God isn't something tangible to touch and see. But the peace of God that you feel reminds us of His love for us.

Today

Today was one of those perfect days. 80 degrees, sunny, a slight breeze. It was a great day to relax and do practically nothing - which is exactly what I did. When these days come along, I have a lot...and I mean a lot...of time to think.

Life has been overwhelming lately. Everyone gets busy and things pile up, but this past week was crazy. I didn't have time to hardly breathe and that is not good for me! I was so busy I lost sight of putting God first and following him. I've started a new bible study and the other day it was talking about how we often ask God to walk with us, when we should actually be walking with Him. This is something that I lost sight of this week. Thankfully, God gave me today to relax and get things back in order. I needed it and I am very thankful for it. Don't loose sight of what is important. Keep God first, and love people the way you would want to be loved.

My Niece Carey Lee

My niece was born today at 10:31 A.M. She is adorable and perfect. It is so odd for my baby sister to have a baby. Everyone is doing great and we are all so excited that she is finally here.

It is a miraculous thing to be a part of the birth of a baby. One minute she is just here and you are meeting her for the first time. I wonder what she is going to be like? What color eyes will she have? What kind of ice cream will she like? How hard of a time will she give my sister when she is in high school? I don't know anything about her yet, other than her height and weight, and I love her. Most people don't believe in love at first sight, but I do. God has created this beautiful baby girl who will be loved more than she will ever know.

Megan is going to be a great mother and Jaden will be a great father. They will raiser her as a Godly woman and I know God has special plans for her. Carey Lee, Aunt Lisa loves you and I am glad you are finally here. I can't wait to see what God has for you in your future.